Becoming a better man

In this series, we consider the plans and pitfalls that will either make you or break you in your quest to become a better man. In Part I, we look at the importance of setting a clear vision of the man you want to grow into and the need to focus.

Healthy masculinity involves a deep understanding of the man you are. You should have things you like about yourself (the good traits). You should have things you want to improve (negative traits and opportunities for growth). That requires the gentle balance of accepting who you currently are whilst working daily to become the better man you were created to be. For those of you that are Christian, that process is known as sanctification, which is to say, the lifelong, inside-out process of growing in Christlikeness (see our Praus study for more on that).

The gap analysis

Do this exercise, regularly. Sit alone, somewhere quiet, and write down notes under each of these headings:

i) The man you are currently

ii) The man you want to become

iii) How to bridge the gap

The man you are currently

This bit is the hardest. It is my experience that most men fall into one of three categories:

• They are very honest about their negative traits but struggle to see any good in themselves

• They are very good at understanding their strengths but neglect to identify their weaknesses

• They struggle with both

  
  

The healthy place to be, as indicated above, is to have an holistic awareness of who you are. The starting point is to understand that there is only one of you. You are unique. God called you his masterpiece. You are the image of God. The things that are good about you, come from him.

But, sin came into this world and corrupted us all. That means we are not all good. We have some bad traits to. Perhaps we commit certain sins regularly (although be careful not to make them part of your identity). Perhaps we have some character defaults, like pride or rage or dishonesty. We all have something. But a healthy man is brutally honest with himself about those things and takes responsibility for changing them.

If you struggle with these, why not speak to people you are close to (who love you enough to be honest).

The man you want to become

This requires you to think forward. What good things, must the future you hang on to? If you are kind, for example, you should seek to keep and build on this. What does God say about you? What negative traits should you work on? For example, if you struggle with lust or greed or gluttony, these are areas to tackle.

A word of warning. Be careful about your yardsticks here. There is a lot of stuff out there about what men should be or should not be that is frankly toxic and ludicrous. Filter everything through the Bible. It talks extensively about desired characteristics. Jesus us the plumbline. But there are also other great men in there to learn from (both in terms of positive and negatives).

As a starting point, Jesus spoke about his heart (the deepest part of who he is) in only one place in all of scripture.  He said, "I am gentle and lowly in heart'.  The ancient Greek translation for 'gentle' was 'praus'. It means to have all of one's strengths, power, gifting's under control and used for the betterment of others.  For the rare, few men that manage this God makes a significant promise:  'Blessed are the meek [praus] for they will inherit the earth'. See more on this, here.

One more thing: Write it down. That is vital.

How to bridge the gap

​Finally, you need to come up with a plan to help you bridge the gap between the current you and the man you want to become. You won't be able to do everything at once. So, pick one or two things in order of priority. The best way to do this is to ask yourself, 'What are the one or two things that, if I change, will make the biggest impact on my development?' Then relentlessly measure progress and make course corrections as you go. Share with a trusted man who can provide some accountability and, of course, pray.

In the remainder of this series, we look at ways to maximise your success and to help you overcome key barriers to progress. These include:

• The importance of small decisions

• Focusing on process over outputs

• Overcoming setbacks

You can do this.