JAY PAYLEITNER
Chronicling life as a new father to his beautiful firstborn child – daughter Thea – Chris Kerr’s goal is to provide all men experiencing fatherhood for the first time with some invaluable tips and tricks as they are learned – the hard way. Acknowledging he needs help, Chris has called on a group of dads he calls, ‘The Father Hood’, to ask them for their tips and wisdom.  In this edition, Chris sits down with Jay Payleitner is the father of four sons and one daughter (now all grown up) and the author of numerous books on fatherhood and family, including 52 Things Kids Need From Their Father, Girl Dad, Day-by-Day Devotions For Dads, 52 Things Wives Need From Their Husbands, 365 Ways To Say “I Love You” To Your Kids and more. This was originally published by Sorted Men's Magazine. A huge thank you to Steve Legg for allowing us to republish here, for free.
There is a common theme when I speak to dads of teenage girls. It goes a little something like this: “Oh, you think looking after a baby girl is hard, wait until they are teenagers.” I have a fairly fool-proof plan for when Thea does reach that age that involves me finishing my legal studies and becoming the Chief Prosecutor for England and Wales so that I can pick her up from school with an entire police force in tow to frighten any suitors away. My back up plan, which is to become the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, is also impactful, giving me full use of MI5 for surveillance and MI6 for ‘removing threats’ like every boy I do not approve of (which, until she is an adult will be EVERYONE).
Jay Payleitner, the guy who wrote 52 Things Daughters Need From Their Dads, the book which has been a real inspiration for me (mainly because it was a kind read for a sleep deprived man), has another way of looking at it. You might say, a more realistic, and wise approach: “When I am presenting to an audience of dads, I ask them, ‘how many of you have just boys or just girls in your family?’ Many put their hands up. And convention says, if I have two little boys, I would love a daughter or if I have three girls, I would love a son. Gentlemen, if you keep pouring into your daughter or daughters, you are going to get that son. If you do the same for your son(s), then you are going to end up with a great daughter. And that is another reason not to strangle your teenagers!”
Jay knows what he is talking about and so, I am delighted to bring you this exclusive interview:
Jay, imagine I have a time machine and I am taking you back to the day before your first child was born and you get to give that young Jay one piece of advice that will help him most as he starts his fathering journey. What is that advice?
Show up. Be there. The little stuff doesn’t matter. The little stuff you spend countless hours fretting about, just let it go. Enjoy every moment. It goes so fast, so that might be the big thing. You also need to know that you – dad – are important. The media doesn’t tell you that and society often doesn’t either, but you are. You probably will have watched the sitcoms where the dads are always the buffoons but don’t go there, as I can talk loads about it. One positive example though is Forrest Gump. There is a line at the end, as his son gets on the bus, and he sits on stump and tells his son that, “I will be right here when you get back.” That’s the idea that Dad’s need to have. Kids need to know that Dad is their foundation. When your kids go off to kindergarten or to school or to their first job or to prom or to college or whatever it is they are off to do, they need to know that dad will be right here, literally and/or metaphorically, when you get back. They need to know that they can count on you to be where they need you to be whether that is a phone call away or a knock on the door that kind of thing.
​
In your book, 52 Things A Daughter Needs From Her Dad, you provide a great overview of the things a dad needs to be and do for their little girl. What would you say to all the dads reading this article whilst holding their new baby daughter?
Be the kind of man that you want your daughter to marry. What does that look like? Well, follow your heart. Your daughter will be watching your every move. So, if you don’t want her to marry a jerk…
Being a dad has its tough moments. The non-stop crying, the toddler tantrums, the feeling like a spare part sometimes, particularly in the early years. What advice do you have for dads to help them navigate those moments?
One saying I always give to dads is, ‘laugh over spilt milk’. Accidents happen. Your young son or daughter already feels bad for spilling their milk. Why do we pile on? Yelling at them will not improve the situation. Yelling will only exasperate your kids. When the milk glass tumbles, your best course of action is to throw napkins at the spill and keep repeating, “No problem. No problem.”
After all, when you brought that little one home from the hospital, you were agreeing to clean up a certain number of milk spills over the next decade or so. It’s truly inevitable.
Once you’ve solved the immediate crisis, dads and moms have a chance to assess the next course of action. Maybe your milk glasses need to be less slippery. Maybe you pour smaller portions for a while. Without too much fanfare, keep a roll of paper towels within reach. Please don’t make your eight-year-old revert to using a sippy cup.
An excellent dad response would be to recall embarrassing moments in your own life when you dipped your tie into the gravy boat or tucked the tablecloth into your pants and pulled the entire table setting onto your lap. Make something up if you have to – the more outlandish the better. Then – with an understanding smile -- let them know you still expect them to be a little more careful. That lesson just may stick.
If your child does something naughty with intent and maliciousness, that’s another story. But accidents happen. Dad, you can set the tone for your kids to learn from their mistakes.
What do you do when you feel like you can’t really help? Like the time, my wife was out at a concert and Thea wouldn’t stop crying.
When bad things happen, dad’s make things better. That’s the attitude you need to have. You may not be able to stop you daughter crying but it is an opportunity for you to demonstrate your attitude to every tough moment your son or daughter is going to have from aged one day right the way through adulthood. That attitude should be 1) I love you 2) It will be ok 3) We will get through this together. The latter point is important as you have wisdom, experience and the ability to guide them through.
When bad stuff happens to your kids you want them to come to you. Believe it or not, you want that phone call. “Dad, I wrecked the car.” “Dad, I’m dropping out of school.” “Dad, I’m in jail.” “Dad, I’m pregnant.” Dad, my girlfriend is pregnant.”
Those things are not good news, of course. But those cries for help are a sign that you’re doing something right. You have earned their trust. You have established yourself as a hero who delivers unconditional love.
Kids of any age need to be able to pick up their cell phone and call dad. When you get that call dad, be thankful. They could have called someone else, but they knew you would rise to the occasion and be the dad.
They also know there will still be consequences. They’re not “off the hook.” Maybe later, you will deliver a short lecture, insist on an apology, or require some financial restitution, but for now you are the one individual they can count on. You will be the voice of reason. You will help sort out the stuff that matters from the stuff that doesn’t. You will protect them from further harm. Their trustworthy dad will help them see the big picture and move forward with hope and confidence. Plus, you will make sure the punishment fits the crime.
Dad, life will hit the fan. When it does, you want your kids coming to you because the world does not love them. The world is broken. And the world will give them bad advice.
By the way, “I love you. It will be okay. We’ll get through this together.” is also God’s perspective when he looks at the mess ups of each and every believer.
You have four sons. How does parenting a son differ from parenting a daughter? And how can a dad raise their boys to be great men?
Let’s talk similarities first. Your sons and your daughters need the same things – love, attention, bonding and so forth. They are also both going to look at you the dad as the measuring stick for men. So, for your daughter, every boy or man she meets, she is going to compare to you. Your son is going to measure who he is as a man but the standards you yourself live by. So, let me give you an example of what to do here. There will be a temptation to let your sons win in front yard basketball but don’t do that. Crush your 10-year-old son in basketball. Just crush him! Because, in three or four years, when he actually does beat you, and he will, it is going to mean something to him. Now, sometimes you may want to script some small victories for them, especially if they are training hard in between.
The other thing to say is that, in my experience, girls need more of a ‘nose-to-nose’ relationship with dad and boys need more a, ‘shoulder-to-shoulder’ relationship. There will be times where your boys need some ‘nose-to-nose’ and your girls need ‘shoulder-to-shoulder’ but we are talking general rules here.
The number of men who become depressed in the first year after becoming a dad is double that of the general population. Twenty five percent of dads experience mild depressive symptoms and around 10% to 12% have a diagnosis of depression. What would you say to the dad who is in that position right now?
Cast your vision into the future. The moments you are struggling now are actually making you a better dad, or they will if you allow them too. Take for example your story about the time you couldn’t console Thea and it was killing you! That’s brilliant. Because you did find a way in the end and at some point in the future when Thea is a teenager and you don’t have the answer, you can look back at this and go, actually, it may take time but we will get through this too.
Part of the reason new dads may be struggling with depression is that, for whatever reason, they don’t see the joy or the opportunity. But look beyond the bad moment or bad day and think about the amazing, worthwhile thing you are about to do. At some point in the next few years, when Thea gets to three or four for example, you are going to be at someone else’s wedding, and she is going to climb onto your shoes and you are going to dance with her. Think about that moment because, man, it is something else.
What has been the most challenging thing for you as a father?
Living up to expectations. I have dropped the ball at times. Over the years I did more than my share of stomping around sidelines, muttering under my breath, yelling at umpires and referees, and embarrassing my wife and kids. Looking back, I can’t bear to think of the way I acted. It’s more than a little frustrating. It felt beyond my control, although that is certainly no excuse. The lowest point came when Max told me that if I didn’t stop, he didn’t want me to come to any more baseball games. That was a turning point for me. Until that moment, I wasn’t sure that my kids even heard my comments from the bleachers. Let me assure you, dad, they did. And so do your kids.
Now that I have grandsons and granddaughters, I don’t do that when I watch their sports events. But I regret being the jerk in the stands.
You have a background in marketing for major companies. Dads are not generally portrayed well in adverts, in TV shows, in films. So, imagine you have a prime-time slot, let’s say during the Super Bowl, to advertise fatherhood. What does your slogan say?
‘Dad, you matter’, or maybe, ‘Make your kids your hobby’. For a season, kids need their mums more than their dads. They just do. But, thereafter, you are needed. Really needed. There are dads out there that are gaming at 1am in the morning. Stop that! Don’t waste or worse lose energy on that. If your four-year-old is into dinosaurs, you be into dinosaurs. Bring a dinosaur book home or take your kid to the dinosaur exhibit. If they are into dolls, or unicorns, or skateboarding, you do that. Ok, maybe don’t get yourself a skateboard. ‘Make your kids your hobby’.
​
One of the main concerns many dads write to us with centre around work-life balance. More specifically, they want to know how they can be great as a husband and father and also at work. What tips do you have to make this a reality?
I am never going to beat up on a dad who misses a soccer game or has to work late. If you have a job that you are good at, that is satisfying, that pays the bills, and you have to be away for a week on a work trip, that is really hard. Sometimes, that is just part of the job. Now, maybe you need to make some adjustments, or you may need to find a different job that doesn’t take you away from your family so much, that is up to you. Your heart will tell you that. Just make sure your heart is at home. Don’t be flirting with co-workers or any of that stuff. If you come home after a work trip away, you also need to understand what your wife has been going through. You have to understand the sacrifice she is making. Don’t be thinking that you are the one out there working hard, she is making a big sacrifice too. And if your wife is working also, holy cow, that doubles down on that.
For every one of your kids, there are events that you need to be at. Put them on your calendar and do not miss them. The opening night of their play, their championship game, their graduation ceremony and so on. Do not miss them! They will appreciate it, for example, if you have to fly home fast to be there. We also need to talk about quality time. When you are at home, be at home. We need to enter our kids lives, and we need to let their lives enter our lives.
What makes a dad great in your opinion?
His wife! A wife that understands your gifts, that comes alongside you and reminds you not to miss those events we just spoke about. She will make sure you don’t, and you need that. Dads tend to be mono taskers; we do one thing well. Mums are better at multitasking, doing multiple things at one time. Without them, we would miss something, that’s for sure. Let your wife be a partner with you in being the best dad you can be. You might even ask her!
Let’s end with some biblical encouragement for dads Jay. What would you like to share?
Psalm 127:4-5 says, ‘Children born to a young man are like arrows in a warrior’s hands. How joyful is the man whose quiver is full of them! He will not be put to shame when he confronts his accusers at the city gates.’
You probably know the long pouch on the back of an archer that holds his arrows is called a quiver. If you have a full quiver – lots of kids – you have a great shot at a life filled with joy. So don’t stop at one. Have many more kids than you think! Love isn’t divided it is multiplied.
But what does an archer have to do? They have to stand firm and have a firm footing. So, dads you need to build a solid foundation. And then, you need to take each arrow out of your quiver and make sure it is straight and true. So, you need to make sure each kid has their act together and such. Then you have to sharpen that arrow. Make sure they have some things that they are really good at. Then you need to pick a target. Each of your kids is different. Each kid has a different target in life. You can’t pick a target for them, although you might help them do it themselves. And then you pull them close to your heart and then what is the toughest thing you have to do? Let them go.
​
​