COMMANDO DAD

Dad’s Army

Six years as an army commando didn't prepare Neil Sinclair for the biggest challenge of his life: being a stay-at-home-dad to his three children. There was no guidebook to help him, so he wrote one: Commando Dad – Basic Training. Now celebrating its ten-year anniversary, new dad Christopher Kerr sat down with him to talk mission fatherhood. This article originally appeared in Sorted Men's Magazine. A special thank you to Steve Legg for giving us permission to repost here.

Neil Sinclair, also known as Commando Dad, has experienced some scary situations in his lifetime. He spent six years as a Commando, where he cleared minefields and dodged snipers in Iraq. He survived the dangerously cold -50 winters in Arctic Norway and tracked drug traffickers through the notoriously unforgiving jungle of Belize. He even guarded the British Mission to the United Nations in New York. Yet none of these tasks were as tough or as terrifying as his most important one – being a dad.

“I have had more moments of panic as a dad than I have in any other mission”, says Sinclair. “I remember, for example, when my eldest Samuel was a baby. I was changing his nappy one evening and saw these weird-coloured crystals in there. I was beside myself worried. So, I rang the paediatrician again and again until he picked up. Eventually I got through and he was at a dinner party. I often wonder what the other guests thought about a man who during the day was responsible for keeping the UK Mission to the UN safe, but at night was freaking out about a very common nappy occurrence!”.

For Neil, the reason why being a dad to Samuel, Jude and Liberty (now 20, 19 and 15 respectively) has been so terrifying at times is clear: “It is absolutely the toughest job I have ever done. That’s because even though I was going into war zones and disarming mines as a Commando, I had all the training I needed to do my job well. You don’t get that training as a new Dad, particularly when I started 20 years ago. When you combine that fear of the unknown with the responsibility you have for the life of your children, that’s tough stuff!”

Basic Training

That’s where the idea for the book ‘Commando Dad: Basic Training – How to be an Elite Dad or Carer’, came in. “When my wife Tara was pregnant with my youngest child Liberty, I went out to look for a basic training manual on how to look after a baby. It had been a few years since Samuel and Jude were babies, so I needed a refresher. I wanted a manual just like the one I was issued when I first joined the Army. It’s a survival guide basically. It tells you how to do everything in a clear, concise and simple way you need to do to be an effective soldier – from how to tie your boot laces properly to how to read a map.

This basic training manual did not exist though. So, Sinclair took it upon himself to write one. Published ten years ago this year, the book includes practical steps, approved by healthcare professionals, on how to, for example, change a nappy, burp the baby, maintain morale in a sleep-deprived home and, yes, even how to cope with constant crying! The book has been a hit, going on to be translated into 17 different languages, and read by well over 120,000 dads across the globe including Prince William and Sir Andy Murray.

“I think the book has resonated with so many dads because it is a practical guide based on hands-on experience rather than being a more theoretical, academic text. I should say much of the guidance in the book is based on the many, many mistakes I have made along the way though. Sorry again kids!”

Leading the troops

As well as his hands-on experience, the lessons he learned in the military have heavily informed his book and have proved effective in his own parenting, just not in the way you might think: “People often believe my military background gives me a disciplinary style of parenting but that’s not the case”, Sinclair told me. “I wanted to bring military precision, principles and values into my parenting role and the book, not military discipline!”

Of those values, the most important is this: Dad’s need to be hands on. “A Commando doesn’t hide, and neither should dads. A Commando Dad gets involved and takes his responsibilities seriously. He’s engaged, he spends time with his kids, cares for them – and he gets the information he needs to do this effectively. He always acts in the best interests of his baby troopers, even if it comes at a sacrifice.”

These aren’t empty words. Neil and his wife Tara both made big sacrifices when they moved back to the UK from New York with Samuel and Jude (Liberty would follow soon enough). “We decided it would be best for our family if one of us stayed at home with the kids. Whoever got a job first would go to work. Tara did, although technically she started her own business so maybe that’s cheating! Either way, I became a stay-at-home-dad. This was tough at times for both of us, but a real privilege as well. The result is we have three thriving kids who make us proud. That’s a great feeling to wake up to every morning.”

It is very clear to me that Neil knows what he is talking about when it comes to raising kids, and I am not saying that purely because we spoke for nearly four hours on the subject. As well as raising three great kids, writing four bestsellers on fathering, and working in a school, Neil also qualified and worked as a Childminder, which he did whilst looking after Liberty. “It was hard-work and the days were long but it taught me the importance of being organised. If you can get organised, you can have more fun. Don’t believe me? Try changing your baby’s nappy without setting everything out first!”.

Improvise, Adapt, Overcome

Being organised is important, but Neil qualifies this with another principle he learned in the Royal Engineers. “Whilst careful planning and organisation are important, as a Commando you learn that it is impossible to control all the variables in a mission. Think about trying to chase down drug traffickers in the wild jungles of Belize, so much can go wrong – the weather, encounters with dangerous animals, a change in the environment – you need to expect the unexpected or you will fail.”.

As a dad to an 11-week-old (at the time of writing), I know where Sinclair is going with this and I agree. “One of our values in the Royal Engineers was to ‘improvise, adapt, overcome’. This was in the front of our minds at all times, meaning if things changed quickly on a mission we would work together to adapt and ultimately overcome the barrier to succeeding. In my experience, the parents who learn how to do this well end up enjoying parenting more”.

Sinclair gives an example that parents will know all to well: “Samuel had a great sleep routine, and then one night he just started crying and didn’t stop. We did all of the things we normally did to settle him, but nothing worked. My wife and I couldn’t believe it! So, we kept improvising until we found the answer. We tried new things until we landed on the solution, which in Samuel’s case was us dancing around the room with him!”

For Sinclair and his wife, the biggest test of this principle came early on in their relationship: “We decided not to have any children for at least a year as it didn’t seem like a good time for us to be having kids. Two weeks later though Tara was pregnant. Talk about having to adapt, improvise and overcome!”

Band of Brothers

Sinclair was keen to point out one more key military principle that he thinks all dad’s need to hear. “By far the toughest test in my selection training for the Royal Engineers was the nine-mile speed march – an endurance and assault course. I really struggled, and everything in me wanted to quit. The only reason I made it over the finish line was the support I had from the guys doing it with me. It’s that sense of team is that makes the UK military such a force.”

Sinclair is encouraging dad’s to create their own back-up support team that includes other dads: “Being a dad really is the toughest job in the world. The highs of parenting are really high but the lows, wow they can bring a man to their knees. There is a reason, for example, that the Navy SEALs use baby crying to train new recruits how to withstand torture. Connecting with other dads, including some more experienced fathers, is vital if you want to thrive, or even survive, this parenting adventure”.

Neil is right. A 2022 Canadian study found that one in four father’s suffer from anxiety and depression in the first year after their child is born. “I can believe that”, said Sinclair. “If you don’t have support from other dads you can start to dwell on your mistakes, and let me tell you, all parents make mistakes. You start to tell yourself, ‘I’m not a good dad’ and you get into a place where you feel guilty. So, when the challenging days come, they can feel insurmountable pretty quickly”.

That warning is even more important for stay-at-home-parents. “That can be a lonely existence if you aren’t intentional about socialising. It doesn’t matter what you do – whether it’s catching up with another dad over coffee, or getting a group of dads together to take their kids outdoors, it really makes a difference. I think dad’s have a real capacity to laugh their way through the dire times, and that has been a real game-changer in my parenting journey.”

Being a stay-at-home-dad comes with other challenges too. “I started this 20 years ago, and some people’s attitudes towards stay-at-home-parents are the same now as they were then. I was in a supermarket in London with my two boys in a push chair, and this man turned to his wife and said about me, ‘he’s not a real man is he’. I challenged him on that. Other people think it is an easy job, like you just chill at home with the kids. It’s not like that. Every waking moment, and every ounce of energy you have goes into raising your kids and rightly so.”

Neil and I then had to reluctantly bring our four-hour conversation to an end. I couldn’t help but conclude that Neil is not just a real man, he is a great one who is changing this world for the better – one dad and one child at a time. At ease, gentlemen.

Getting to know

Commando Dad

Commando Dad’s real name is Neil Sinclair. He is married to Tara and has three kids, Samuel (20), Jude (19) and Liberty (15).
Neil began his career with as a Royal Engineers Commando, a Corp of the British Army that provides military engineering and other technical support.
He has also been a security guard at the UK Mission to the UN in New York, a PCSO with the Metropolitan Police in London and a PE Teacher.
After becoming a stay-at-home-dad to his three kids, Neil wrote ‘Commando Dad: Basic Training’. Other books in the Commando Dad series include ‘Raw Recruits’, ‘Forest School Adventures’ and ‘Cookbook: Easy Recipes for Busy Dads’.
In addition to helping dads across the world, Neil now provides support to kids at his local school.